Hello, my friends.
You know, “friends” is a word I’ve been truly examining over the last nine months.
If you’re reading this, I hope that you know that every person that has entered my sphere of relationships is dear to me. And, that if you were connected with me closely in person, or in my classes, or through social media, I value that you have chosen to connect with me through reading this. People are dear to me and, though I may not always appear to be, I am humbled to be brought into any person’s life.
So, if you are choosing to read this, thank you dearly and know that I do not take your attention for granted.
Now, beginning this….
I truly don’t know how to begin other than to describe where I’ve been and why I’m doing this.
You see, I really am mostly an introvert. I know most of you who know me don’t believe me when I tell you this, but it’s very true. The person I’ve spent the most time with lives inside my head. And she is talkative and pensive! And always thinks that she has the world finally figured out, until she realizes she doesn’t.
When I created my yoga business, it was out of financial necessity (the kind you palpably feel in Northern Virginia). I believed I would teach a few nights a week at a local gym and make a bit of spending money and loosen the financial binds a bit for our family.
I had no idea that my teaching would influence so many. To this day, I am still convinced that God communicated his love through me to all who crossed my path and that is what people heard and felt. Before each class and as I crafted my classes, I asked for God’s wisdom and direction and that God would speak to the quiet pain and longing in the depth of each person who chose to practice with me. But through encountering the diversity of the bearers of God’s image, I was changed.
All of those who came into my life, who attended my classes, who reached out in kindness and friendship, revealed to me the treasure inherent in each person. The image of God.
Then, I entered my monastic phase (knowing smile).
When we moved to El Paso, I absolutely took a LOOOOONG exhale. Life in DC metro (as most of you, who are hopefully reading this, know) was delightfully treadmill-like. Mostly everyone who chooses to live there is incredibly capable and self-motivated. Even if you have just an ounce of type-A inside, it will come to the fore there because the energy of the place calls for it. Please know that I admire this energy in DC and truly credit that energy for motivating me to create a business and enroll in graduate school (also, I don’t believe I would have ever tried to handstand so much either :) ) But, even though moving and creating and sustaining our life there was possible for some time, it would not have been for a long time.
So, when we moved (due to Aaron’s job), I could finally step back and let my ignored introvert have some time.
I desired time with my sons who remain at home (not for long!) and time with Aaron, to reconnect in ways which we could not because we both were moving so fast in so many different directions. And finally, we had TIME.
I walk up and down our little side of Franklin mountain every day (with George :)). I make kimchi egg burritos and sometimes homemade tortillas. I can take Flamenco (when there is no pandemic) and yoga classes (again, when there is no pandemic ;) ) without anyone knowing who I am. I am delightfully unknown. (Don’t get me wrong: I never was under the impression that I was a yoga-lebrity like some I know, but I was a bit known in the DC yoga community and so it was tough to just be a yoga student and not a yoga teacher taking someone’s class.)
I connect with yoga schools worldwide, but as a service to the community, through Yoga Alliance.
Most happily, I am finally making headway in my graduate school program and learning how to someday be of great service to the bereaved parent community. I am so grateful for that opportunity.
During this time, however, I also chose to step away from social media. At first, I removed it all from my phone. This was not out of any great new personal philosophy about the ills of social media. Or from wanting others to feel conviction. Whoa, I really don’t have need for that! I still see the incredible good in it.
But, for me, at the time when we moved, I noticed that I was feeling bereft of friendships and connection as I scrolled, even a wee bit, down the feeds. I wanted to give in to the new loss, if you will, of moving to a new, more quiet life. I needed to live in the silence and the anonymity for a while.
And so when I removed it all from my phone, I felt free.
Then, after some weeks, the quiet and anonymity really set in. It became very quiet. Very.
My ego was not happy with my decisions.
The voices that highlighted my new insignificance became very loud indeed.
“Who were you really?”
“Who did you think you were?”
“All of that was for show.”
“What did you really do with your time there?”
“What effect did you truly have on anyone’s life?”
“What effect will you have on anyone’s life in the future?”
“You are but a breath.”
Please hear me: these are all necessary questions. This was necessary work. None of these questions or observations were “negative”. They were all finally coming to the surface because I was finally quiet.
When these sorts of questions come, it is tempting to confront them with proof of significance. And sometimes, that is what we need to do.
But, this time, I needed to just be and learn, in quietness and submission of my ego.
Then: COVID.
I didn’t want to reinstall social media on my phone yet. I knew I wasn’t ready yet.
But, with all of the uncertainty, I wanted to connect. So I did. And I’m glad I did. So many of my friends are doing and saying such worthy things at this time and I’ve been blessed to hear and watch.
However, just like we all are wondering how to safely reconnect and restart our lives in this uncertainty of the pandemic, I began wondering how I can continue in this time of introspection, but still have human interaction.
I’ve learned that I actually love human interaction. :) I believe we all have.
Social media is so easy to interface with. It is much easier to speak and open the door to my life on there.
At this time, however, I don’t want to list my life on a feed that can be scrolled through. I don’t want to speak my mind in a place that is filled with virtual noise. That’s not the place for me at this time.
At this time, I want to welcome my friends into my virtual coffeehouse of discussion and wondering and growth. I want to show my friends the unique, alien-like plants of the desert that I see on my walks every day. I want to explore the depths of the human psyche and the universe of concepts that I’m learning in my graduate studies. I want an authentic place to connect, yet not feel like I’m yelling all of these things in a crowded virtual conference hall.
So, I’m reviving my website and blog with the intention to connect with those who choose to listen. I will use the effective marketplace of social media to let others know that I’ve posted something. But, this blog will be the place where I will be displaying my unique desert plants, lizards, thoughts and the most valuable memories of my family.
A few things to say at the outset: if I know you, I do love you. Losing a child has taught me innumerable nuggets of wisdom, but one of the foremost is that ALL people are much more valuable than we realize. Period. Each soul is a universe within itself.
ALL voices and opinions and experiences need to be heard, from the point of view of the valuable person themselves, not filtered through our personal philosophies and values, first. After we listen to each person’s points of view, it is up to us to examine it in view of what we value and feel to be true. By expressing my own thoughts, feelings and experiences, I am by no means discounting anyone’s worldview or value system. I am simply going to express mine.
The best bit of it? I have not arrived yet! I have not attained all wisdom and perfection. Who knew? :)
Amazingly, with all that I’ve been through, I feel that God’s creation and my response to it becomes more vast and complicated with each passing day. I look forward to understanding more from others who are part of this universe of God’s creation.
If you choose to express your viewpoints to me, I will engage in love and interest to understand your viewpoints. We may disagree, and I will still love you. All I ask for is the same brotherly love in return. After all, anyone who reads any of my posts will have to purposefully take steps to read them. You will not be exposed to my thoughts by having to scroll by them in a social media feed.
Although, if you only want to see the pictures I post, you will have to scroll by my thoughts. So, there’s that :D
So, my friends, you who choose to engage with me, no matter what comes, thank you. And, we’ll see where this goes, together.
Welcome to El Paso!
